Musings

Only some of the dialogue is real. The rest of it is a product of my bored mind. But somewhere, it took on a slightly depressing undertone. Didn't intend for that to happen :-/ J is a close friend at work, a fellow intern. But, unlike me, he has a LOT of work.

J: Why are you running around begging for work? Just chill, no?

D: Haha. No, I don’t want to be “that intern who slacked off for two months.”

J: Oh my God. What a drama queen. Today's the first day in over one and a half months that you haven't had work. Calm down. Also, you’re not. You’re “that intern who didn’t sweat the small stuff.”

D: Except, this isn’t the small stuff. Every second I don’t spend educating myself or doing something productive is a second wasted, a step backward.

J: But D, mindless number crunching is not major or heroic at all.

D: I guess you’re right, but I’d feel less useless if I was doing at least that. Maybe then I’d figure out what I want to do with my life, you know?

J: None of us know what we want to do with our lives! And repeated Excel iterations will not give you that answer!

D: No, J. I think we tell ourselves that to trick our minds and hearts into being okay with where we are in our lives. But actually, almost everyone else out there knows EXACTLY where they want to be and what they want to be do with themselves. Maybe they don’t talk about it because they’re scared it won’t materialize, but everyone out there has a plan, J. I don’t have a plan. I don’t even know how to start making one.

J: Trust me; the world is full of wannabes like you and me. Some might pretend that they know what they’re doing, but that swagger and that air of confidence is a farce. It’s got no underlying value. Hehe

D: Lol. Lame! I get what you’re trying to say. But I think they’re all getting ahead, and pretty soon I’ll just be another faceless voice in the crowd. And when I finally grow up and get my shit together, no one will take me seriously because everyone else figured it out when they were 18. And I’ll be 25. Old, decrepit, of no use at all to anyone.

J: What matters is your own life! Stop comparing yourself to everyone else out there. The day you start comparing is the day you let all this bog you down. Snap out of that.

D: But I can’t help comparing! The benchmark is always slapping me across my face, and I'm acutely aware that I'm not among the bait that the sharks want to grab at.

J: The benchmark must encourage you..push you..but if the benchmark is eating you up, then it’s not serving the purpose, and you’re giving it way way way more importance than it should be given..

D: I suppose the whole concept of “average” is that SOMEONE needs to be below the average, right? So maybe that’s my role in the large scheme of things. To be the person that other people can look at, and think “Well, I’m better than her, right? I must be at least average or above average.”

Everyone can’t be on the Dean’s list, get a perfect GPA, a perfect internship, and make amazing relationships with important people. I guess some of us will have to settle for scraping through, getting a mediocre job, and earning a mediocre salary. But what if the some of us that are destined for that type of lifestyle, are just NOT going to be okay with mediocrity? What do we do? When we’re not intelligent enough to get by on acquired knowledge, not pretty enough to get by on looks, not rich enough to rely on a trust fund, and not well-connected enough to land a fantastic job just because we know someone who knows someone, where do we go?

J: Shut up. I'm going to go get a coffee. I can't listen to this rubbish.