Dear ______,
I hope you’re doing well. It would suck if both of us were miserable. I’m miserable enough for the two of us. No, I’m happy actually. Except, when I think of you, I want to drive a sledgehammer through your head, and that makes me miserable. I’m not usually a violent person, but what can I say? You bring out the worst in me. You always have. When I’m around you I turn into a submissive weak person who always second guesses herself and has an enormous inferiority complex.
A dear friend told me recently that you should be with someone who shakes you to your very core and fundamentally changes something about you. I’m sure she didn’t mean the way you changed me. How did every other person see it? How did everyone else know that you would crush me all over again? More importantly, why didn’t I see it?! What is wrong with me? See! Even fake writing a letter to you makes me that person with no self esteem. It makes absolutely no sense to me. It's mind boggling and would make for an intellectually very stimulating conversation except for the fact that I can't breathe or think straight (and not in that amazing giddy oh wow way). Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. I'm not that person at all. So what ever gave you the right to turn me into that person!?
It’s been almost three years for crying out loud. I haven’t seen you, we’ve barely spoken, but unfortunately my brain hasn’t forgotten the way I used to feel about you, and my heart won’t let it. That’s what I want, more than anything. To forget. Why do I remember every tiny sickening detail? Is this normal? I can’t imagine that love is supposed to feel like this. I can’t believe that the garbage is somehow supposed to be healing me from within and making me whole again. What a load of bullshit. Why isn’t my brain working on forgetting you? I tried not to remember to forget, I tried that. And for a while it worked, and I thought I’d found the answer. But you so rudely decided to make your presence in my life felt again. And honestly by then, I thought I was too exhausted to even care.
What is wrong with you? No seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? I can’t be your constant source of amusement. It’s uncivilised! I need to grow out of this crap and put it behind me but I can’t. I am so confident and so cheerful and so optimistic about every other thing in my life. You can’t dampen all that with the negativity that floods my body and mind when I think about you. You’re just not allowed to. Get out of my head, damn it. And for God’s sake get out of my heart.
