I pressed the cool metal surface to my cheek, reminding myself that I had the power. The girl in front of me didn’t stand a chance. Surprisingly, her face showed no signs of horror. I could see no apprehension, no fear. She didn’t beg and plead with me like those before her. She knew who I was, and she had resigned to her fate. It was almost as if she was mocking me, daring me to complete what I had started. I couldn’t understand it. Why was she unafraid? Didn’t she know what was about to happen to her?
She used to be someone I could trust. Someone who loved me unconditionally and always forgave me for my mistakes. But of late, all she did was look at me with a condescending expression on her face. Disapproval and disappointment had permanently replaced the warm acceptance and respect she had for me. I could feel the weight of the loaded weapon in my hand, and decided that since I was in control, I would get all the answers to my questions before carrying out my plans.
“You seem undaunted by the knowledge that this could possibly be your last conversation with anyone. Care to explain?
“You seem perturbed by the fact that I am not in the least bit intimidated. Why should I be? You and I both know you are nothing more than a coward. Why should I be afraid of you? You have lost all powers of reasoning, your thoughts are no longer coherent, and you are just a scared little girl, yearning for anything to make her feel relevant. I lost all my respect for you a long time ago, my dear. You weren’t always this way though. Remember when you were actually happy? What changed you into this shadow of a human, who feels more incomplete with each life she takes?”
I was livid. She was judging me? Really? Did she even know who I was, what I was capable of? She should be begging me to have mercy on her, and let her go. She should not be standing there, all calm and collected as though she can talk her way out of this. She isn’t impervious to pain. All of this is a facade. I bet she was crumbling underneath that cool exterior. She was buying time, that’s all.
But she never did crumble. All she did was look at me with the most disdainful expression that has ever been thrown my way.
“Well what about you? What about always sticking by me? You were the one person I thought I could rely on. You were my pillar of strength and hope. When he..when he left..you were all I had. Why did you turn your back on me?” I yelled, finally baring my soul and demanding a reason for all the pain she put me through.
She stared back at me, with her unabashed defiance. Still no hint of fear. She sighed and shook her head as if I were a child.
“Somewhere along the way my dear you became unrecognisable. The kind, honest person I knew evolved into an ugly, selfish creature. It started with you unintentionally hurting people around you but the moment I saw you take the life of another I knew we were over. You and I would never share that sacred bond of trust and hope anymore. You don’t deserve to be loved any longer. I would ask you if you knew how much pain you have caused but you are so far gone it probably doesn’t even make a difference to you now. You’re a stranger. You have the same face but I don’t even dare to fathom that you’re the same person. That person died a long time ago. And for what? To avenge the fact that you got your heart broken? It started with him. What gave you the right to end his life? Who are you to decide who gets to live and who gets to die?”
“He didn’t just break my heart!” I screamed out, enraged. “He broke me. And I will never recover from that.” The memories crept back in and threatened to consume me once again. “No! NO!” I gasped for breath. “No. I vowed a long time ago that no one would ever hurt me that way again. He deserved to die. He would only do to someone else what he did to me, and what kind of person would I be if I didn’t try and put a permanent stop to that?”
“You’re delirious. You’re trying to delude yourself into thinking that what you did was right. What reason do you have for the rest of your victims? What great purpose did that achieve?”
“They all deserved to die! They were all cheaters, liars, dishonest people who duped innocent minds every day!”
“NO!” Her perfect nonchalant disguise was slowly beginning to give way. “No they weren’t. They were people who tried their hardest not to give up on you, who stood by you, but you drove them crazy and you eventually drove them away. Literally. Your own parents. Did it ever cross your mind that you had gone too far?” Tears were glistening at the corners of her eyes.
“They hurt me. They tried to put me away in an institution. They didn’t love me. They never loved me.”
“They tried that because they loved you. Don’t you see? What have you done? I tried telling you before but you never listened. You are beyond repair.”
“I’m not. I’m not!” I protested, breaking down. Did she really think I couldn’t redeem myself? Was it true? Were none of my actions justified? They had all hurt me in some way or another, and all I was doing was fulfilling a promise to myself...right?
It was as if she could hear my thoughts because she said, “You know you agree with me. None of the decisions you have taken have been correct.”
Suddenly the weight of all my sins came crashing down on me and I fell to the ground. What had I done? I had killed him, and then all those people after him. What had I done? My parents. My own parents. When had I turned into this ruthless monster? I couldn’t take this pain. I needed a way to stop this. But how? Killing the girl in front of me seemed like the most reasonable way out.
“There is only one way to end the pain, my dear. And I think you know how to.”
She was right. I did.
I smiled at my reflection. I had betrayed myself, just like all those people had. I had caused myself so much pain. I didn’t deserve to live any longer. I held the revolver to my head. The girl in front of me smiled for the last time and closed her eyes as I pulled the trigger.
